This is really embarrassing.....

Ya know it is kinda silly that I feel the need to share such private things with the world in order to be held accountable. Not that I have ever done it before. I have shared on FB and IG the other 5,000 times I tried to get healthy, but this time it is different. I have come to some realizations thanks to a dear friend (Janet) and some soul searching.

Why do I want this so badly? Honestly, I am tired of hurting. Every joint in my body hurts and inflamed. I cannot continue on like this. Well actually I could, but it would not be pretty, and I would not get the chance to actually enjoy my children and husband.

Janet asked me what my goals were for doing this. I have quite a few, some of which I won't share with the entire world, but here are a few...

• Go to Six Flags and ride all the ride without worrying about fitting in the seat
• Be a great midwife. I cannot be a great midwife at this weight. 
• Run a 5K. There is actually a specific one I want to run, but I can't find the name for it right now. 
• I want to wear a bikini. I KNOW, I KNOW!!!! I know that it is actually a big deal for overweight women to wear them right now as a way to show that they love themselves. Great for them, but that is not me. 

Those are just a few of my goals. And before anyone starts with the whole body love thing. No, I don't love my body, BUT I do love myself, and I believe that is more important. I want to love my body though. Do I need to weigh 110 pounds for that to happen? I don't think so, but I do know that I need my body to be healthy and strong, which can happen at 200 pounds if that is what the Lord wills. 

I sit back and wonder what has changed to give me the strength to do this now. Thankfully I have come to realize a few things...

• Every time in the past when I have tried to eat better it was always because I am trying to get my husband to do the same. I cannot do that. I cannot make him or anyone choose to eat what is right for them. I can only do that for myself. 
• I have always wanted to look better for others. Again I cannot do that. I am not doing this to look better. I am doing this so I don't spend every single day in pain. Pain is a great motivator. 
• I have spent years yo-yoing between different way of eating. So many well-meaning people telling you about what the believe to be the best way of eating. The deal is I cannot eat the same way as other people. I have to eat the way that is best for my body. Are there others way that work? Of course, but not for me, at least not at this time. 
• I MUST believe in myself. My husband and children love me deeply, but I have had to begin to believe that I am worth every bit of that love. 
• No one can do this for me. I have to make every decision about what I choose to eat and do. I choose to do what is best for me. 

I will post more about what I am eating, how I am exercising, and more about my journey soon.